Postpartum journey : my honest, raw reflection

We are officially on week 2 of our “staycation” and still aren’t fully adjusted. Each morning we set up camp with everything Max and Mommy may need. Whether that be mommys water and snacks, what feels like a whole case of diapers , our dock-a-tot, swaddles and pacis or a beer for mommy when she loses it. Having max here is a huge adjustment and I can’t say I’m loving every moment but I can say I love him to death and wouldn’t trade all the tears, and tough times for anything in the world. 
Everyone has heard about all the changes you go through after having a baby but I honestly never believed it could be so terrible. Yes, you read that right. I am HATING this part of being a mom. Call me terrible but it’s the truth. I loved pregnancy and I love having Max here but it’s hard, it’s frustrating, and I am losing it. Here are some of the things I am struggling with most. 
Everyone talks about postpartum depression but no one tells you how bad it can be and how easily it can be triggered. I find myself just sitting and crying not knowing why sometimes and it makes me feel like the worst mom in the world. 

They tell you your hormones will be a hot mess but they don’t tell you how intense that is. Cue the crying and more crying. Cue the change in skin (holy dry skin). SOS: if you know any great ailments for super dry skin help me out I’m dying over here. 
Nursing: let’s talk nursing real quick. Tell me why both of my lactation consultants told me nursing shouldn’t hurt?! This shit hurts!! Bad! Keep in mind baby Max had tongue tie so once that was fixed nursing was supposed to be easier… less painful. Nope. Not the case. I still sit there and cry almost everytime I feed Max. I get so frustrated with him and myself and I hate that about me. I shouldn’t be frustrated with this perfect baby I have. It’s not his fault. It’s not mine. But I am hurt. I’m hurting. I hate myself for it everyday. They say the pain will go away and to work through it but it’s hard. Before the trolls start freaking out: Max gets plenty to eat – kids gained a pound since his birth he’s very happy and healthy! 
Sleep: LOL. What is sleep anymore?! “Sleep when baby sleeps” hahaha ok. How can you sleep when all you want to do is stare at your precious baby, or (like me) always panic about SIDS, or try to get your kitchen/bedroom/nursery/life back in order. Key word, try.
Lastly: how do these amazing mom bloggers I follow do it?! They always look clean, put together, and their houses look pristine. How?! Tell me your secrets, send me your fairies, or maybe I need to ask Corinne to borrow Raquel for a week or two!? 
I now know why God makes babies so cute, tiny, and perfect because they make all of life’s messes -big and small more than worth it. 
“You’re not a mess. You’re brave for tying.”

XOXO, Kate & Max

3 thoughts on “Postpartum journey : my honest, raw reflection

  1. Kate Wesson says:

    Everything you just wrote about I’ve been through. And I promise more than anything we’re not the only ones!! Having a newborn and doing it without the father right there is tough, very very tough! I hope he supports you from afar which from the looks of other post he does but still nothing will make it easier. Dry skin: try aveeno Breastfeeding: it sucks, like truly just plain out sucks. Hopefully it will get better/easier for the both of you. If your nipples are cracking or just plain out hurting try a piece of lettuce in between feedings. Weird I know, but if you’re like me you’ll try anything! And for goodness sake, try your hardest to get some shuteye. Nearly impossible I know but just try more times than not it’ll help your emotional state. Much love!!

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  2. Annette says:

    Hi! This was totally me, too! I appreciate you sharing and defying the myth of put-togetherness we see on social media. I was/am a mess, too. We struggled big-time with breastfeeding. I was told that if it hurt I was doing it wrong, which almost made me give up every day. Honestly it did take a few weeks before it stopped hurting, but it did finally stop. My babe is 14 weeks now, and my mood is way better, but I still have a meltdown here and there. It is a HUGE adjustment, and you will be great. You already are, so remember to give yourself some grave!

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  3. Cara says:

    I can relate to 100% of what you wrote! I am a first time mom of a 6 month old girl and remember the first month just sobbing at night for no reason ! It’s definitely the worst part about being a mother.
    What I can tell you is that talking about post partum depression helps immensely! I didn’t at first and it ended up getting pretty bad (lead to insomnia and anxiety 😦
    Get help if you need it. It will only help you in the long run !

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